overall a pretty good piece. this brings to mind of a soul searching journey which one undertakes on his own and only on his own. very picturesque too.

regarding the non-traditional punctuation... i dont have any problem with that. though the punctuations present in the last two lines feel a bit too much for comfort.

and i like the meter usage! you managed to tell what you wanted with such short meters. nice work

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my only problem lies in "whoosh of wind"...it sounds a little odd to me. I find it quite interesting the order that you used in "present future past"...it's different and I like it.

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"Does the walker choose the path or the path the walker?"~Garth Nix, Abhorsen Trilogy

"All I know is that I jump when I'm told and I have no free time."~Alanna, by Tamora Pierce

What I find so intriguing is that you have meter without consistent rhythm. It's an interesting style, and one that fits your subjects rather nicely, if I may say so -- a sort of rigidity within chaos.

I must say, I'm not loving the punctuation. It seems a bit arbitrary for me. What exactly is your intent? I feel that punctuation in poetry should either be normal and correct, or add something profound to the meaning and/or tone, or simply be nonexistent. It seems that the "--" is just floating around, and, honestly, the dash itself is not the most amazing of punctuation marks. It's a little too abrupt for your style, I would say. Semicolons, perhaps, might suit you more nicely; everyone loves a nice semicolon.

I also agree with Megami-kun: with your amazing poetic vocabulary, you should be able to come up with a better 'w' word than "whoosh."

I love the subtle alliterations, and the calm, sublime imagery, especially the colors. The metric emphasis in "go lord, journey there / listen that you may hear" is so peacefully, serenely emphatic, just a whisper of urgency, but more of a soft nudge than a push. I also love the repetition in "your true voice your sound"; I can literally hear the Voice speaking that line.

At first, I wasn't thrilled by the random punctuation at the end, but now I really like it. It's as though you say, "Hear," and then trail off, letting us actually hear.

I think this may be my favorite of yours so far.

Oh, and ignore the stupid face thing. I was just messing around with that on the side, and I couldn't figure out how to get it off of there.

Thanks for the fav and the comments

Yea...punctuation is random (or rather, it's similar to Dickinson's). I was never very skilled with this, because I never thought about it (mainly, I just use the traditional type) as for me, poetry is mostly aural and imaginative-visual (versus on-the-page-visual). Maybe I should start trying to conjure up some new ways of punctuating though...it might be interesting to see what comes out. Ok, end of rant.

As for "whoosh," I chose it because I felt that most resembled the sound for me (though it's still not close). What would you say your sound is like?

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~sphoenixee
My blog.
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For "whoosh," I chose it because I felt that most resembled the sound for me (though it's still not close). What would you say your sound is like?

For "present future past," that was mostly to keep meter, but I'm glad you liked it.

--
~sphoenixee
My blog.
My web design site. I will make free (and good) websites for artists/writers/etc.

Yes, I agree about punctuation...looks somewhat...cluttered?

Thank you for the c&c

--
~sphoenixee
My blog.
My web design site. I will make free (and good) websites for artists/writers/etc.

Believe it or not, I've not read Dickonson. She's American, and I'm working on a degree in British literature. I imagine that I will have to read her, someday.

I definitely think you should explore what you can do with punctuation. It could be fun.

I tend to avoid onemonepia, not because I think that there's anything wrong with it, but because I'm terrible at it. So, if that's what you were going for, then "whoosh" is fine. Besides, nobody ever said there was anything wrong with a bit of estrangement.

yes. cluttered would be the word. just the last two lines though

ur welcome!

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let it pour let it pour let it pour...

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